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Wild Sign WWE Superstar John Cena, Immediately Add Him to Fourth Line


In a surprising move, the Minnesota Wild have announced they're signing current WWE Superstar John Cena to contract, presumably to take over the enforcer role on the team despite the recent success of winger Kurtis Gabriel facing off against other NHL tough guys.
Image courtesy of © Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports
"We're really excited to have John aboard" Wild coach Bruce Boudreau said during the media scrum. "We think he adds a level of toughness never before seen in the NHL, and we really think it's going to take us to the next level. He's got experienced with staged bouts, and he's from Massachusetts, so we're pretty sure he can skate."

While the displacement of Gabriel seems like odd timing, it was noted that Gabriel hadn't been scored the winner of a few of his fights on the internet, and that the move to sign Cena was undoubtedly a move to shore up the Wild's win-loss record when it came to dropping the gloves. Boudreau said that winning in every facet of the game, and face punching is no exception.

Cena comes from a college football background, but has been trading predetermined blows in the squared circle for the past 15 years. Chuck Fletcher and the Wild feel that Cena brings a new kind of physical presence to the lineup and also brings a lot of Hustle, Loyalty and Respect to the locker room.

"I mean, you might as well sign any meathead off the street, he's probably better at hockey than Kurtis Gabriel." One Wild blogger was quoted as saying. "After all, we don't know what the fancy stats are for Cena yet, there's just no data, but I know Gabriel's are really, really bad, so it's probably more of a lateral move. One useless enforcer is just as good as the next, as long as they're going to encourage this bloodsport to continue."

Wild fans have had mixed reactions about the Cena signing, with some fans ecstatic that the team is making a very splashy move to bring in a multimedia superstar, while other fans still can't find it in them to respect professional wrestling in any way, shape, or form.

The Wild are currently second in the Western Conference standings, and it's likely they're pushing all in on this season, given the otherworldly numbers posted by Devan Dubnyk thusfar. The signing of Cena just further that this team means business, and that the time is now.

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John Cena ... Super Slam ... Sunday Sunday Sunday!!!